OCD Reflections

And so, the countdown begins...to next year's conference that is!  I had an amazing time at the 2011 IOCDF Annual Conference - heard a lot of inspiring stories and  learned even more about this disorder that I have personally found so debilitating yet so fascinating at the same time. I'm definitely in a post-trip funk right now.  I think the normal lows that can come when an anticipated vacation is finally over are exacerbated by the fact that, for a few days at least, I felt like I could be my complete, honest self.  No hiding my OCD.  No hiding my past.  No working around the truth of how and why I have gotten to where I currently am.  My life is about much more than just OCD, but for a couple days I didn't have to keep this part of my life a secret.  So it's a bit tough coming back into the "real" world, where you aren't surrounded by other OCD sufferers who know too well the toll this disorder can take and who aren't surprised or weirded ou...

This week I have something to look forward to as I plan and prepare for my short trip to San Diego for the International OCD Foundation's Annual Conference !  Woot!  I'm pretty excited, I have to say. :) In case you don't know what this is, let me give some quick background:  every year the International OCD Foundation (IOCDF) , a fantastic resource for learning about OCD and finding treatment, hosts a 2 and a half day conference with TONS of presentations and panels, all of which address aspects of OCD and related spectrum disorders and their treatment.  Basically, it's my chance to totally geek out for an entire weekend while immersing myself in OCD education.  What makes the conference even better is that, for a couple days, I feel like I can let my guard down a bit because I am surrounded by people who understand OCD and have first-hand experience with this disorder, either as sufferers themselves, as friends and family members of sufferers, or as treatmen...

I am officially registered for the 2011 International OCD Foundation Annual Conference !  I can't believe it's only about a month away! I am a self-professed OCD nerd and let me tell you, this conference has to be the Mecca of all OCD nerdiness.  With the expert presenters, the plethora of informative lectures, and the hundreds of empathetic attendees, it is an amazing experience for sufferers to learn about OCD and meet others who have experience with this disorder.  Now that I am registered, it suddenly seems so real!  Can't wait!

A fierce wave of apathy and a new level of busyness in my life have led me away from blogging recently.  This lessening of interest creates additional anxiety on top of everything else:  why am I not so interested in writing anymore?  Am I losing my fascination with OCD?  Am I losing my identity as someone who has suffered and continues to suffer from OCD?  Is finding out that I have OCD no longer an intriguing life revelation and now just one thing more thing to deal with?  I hope not.  Of course, that's exactly why I start obsessing about it. As I mentioned in a previous post, so much has changed in my life recently.  I have a new apartment and a new roommate.  I also have a new job.  However, with the initial training period for that job now complete, I have drastically fewer hours, and the limited number of hours and my somewhat unpredictable schedule have me feeling less useful than I'd like to feel.  Lack of purpose breeds a...

Sometimes I think I have a hard time seeing just how much OCD I have and have always had.  Today I was reading an article from my Winter 2011 IOCDF newsletter.  There was a personal account from a parent whose son had suddenly starting exhibiting OCD symptoms after apparently acquiring a strep infection (I still find the whole concept of PANDAS intriguing - in college, I did a fairly in depth project on a related neurological issue also caused by strep, Sydenham's chorea).  Anyways, when she mentions the things her son suddenly "convinced" himself he had to do, like twirl past his sister's room to prevent something bad from happening, the degree to which OCD has been part of my life for YEARS, since I was also a kid, becomes more apparent. I'm caught off guard by accounts like this one, thinking, "Wait!  But doesn't everyone do that?"  My day is probably filled with all sorts of these little compulsions that hardly even register anymore because I ...

     Like this sign, exposure therapy might seem a bit odd at first glance.  You mean I am supposed to walk through the mud?  You mean I am supposed to not wash when I feel like I should?  Why on earth would I want to do that?  A big theme for me this week has been the issue of trust, and by that I mean, trusting my therapist.  I agree with his exposure recommendations.  I don't think that the things he asks me to do are ridiculous or unnecessary.  And I really do believe that, if I were to go with his suggestions, I would get better.  I have had enough experience with this disorder, recently and in my past, to feel confident in the use of CBT.  If it means I have to temporarily walk through the mud, so be it, I understand the purpose and know enough to believe that it works. I have also read lots of literature on OCD, am quickly developing my own little OCD library, and even went to the International OCD Foundation's a...

So one of the things my therapist has asked me to do between now and my next session is to write down the things that I have lost due to OCD, the things that I am currently missing out on, and things that I could lose in the future if I continue to feed, through my compulsive behavior, this feeling that I NEED my OCD.  Although I have always felt this way to a certain extent, I suppose this feeling that "I need the disorder to be me" has become one of the core reasons I now continue to engage in some compulsions, in addition to my original contamination fears and my version of moral scrupulosity with cleanliness.  My therapist warned me that this a dangerous path to go down - the idea of just resigning myself to OCD's demands because it is "my cross to bear" is a slippery slope that can easily lead to unnecessary loss.  With that in mind I thought I would begin contemplating the things that I have lost, continue to lose, or could lose in the future if I simply...

I was hoping to gain insight, information, and inspiration from the International OCD Foundation's annual conference, and I think I certainly did just that.  However, the most inspiration probably came from a source that was altogether unexpected:  a newly found friend, an ally, a companion in the fight against OCD. I will leave her unnamed for the sake of her anonymity as well as my own, but let's just say she seems like my OCD soulmate.  What a terrible and at the same time wonderful thing to share!  Terrible in that we both have suffered at the hands of this disorder, but wonderful in that we have each found someone who seems to intuitively understand the daily struggles of our common fears.  Never before have I felt that I could relate so completely to someone else with OCD.  I am sure that I would also have a strong connection with many of you whose blogs I read here, but this was the first time I had spoken, in person, with someone whose contaminati...

I have to say that the annual conference presented by the International OCD Foundation was an amazing experience, and in ways that I didn't necessarily anticipate. It's definitely a bit surreal to go from seeing OCD as this secret and hidden part of life to having it be the focus of an entire conference. I love learning about OCD and this event was definitely the Mecca of OCD information. There were of course the the experts - the therapists, the doctors, the researchers - but there were also a whole community of OCD sufferers past and present who had their own wealth of knowledge to share. Being able to openly affirm my fascination with and interest in OCD simply by being present there, and to be with other people equally interested in the disorder and its treatment, was exhilarating for me in and of itself. I'm sure I'll write more about the experience later...but tonight... I have renewed motivation to fight back and get better, and I hope that I keep this motiv...

So my well planned, well thought out trip to DC for the International OCD Foundation's Annual Conference didn't start off quite as expected. Let me just start by saying that I can't wait to attend the conference. I'm a nerd, and I find learning about OCD fascinating. From the time I first heard about this annual event, I was intrigued, but I never imagined I'd be going. I tend not to do things like this - things that I secretly would like to do, but am either not brave enough to go for or that I tell myself are too impractical so I shouldn't bother - maybe someday when the time is right. But that is exactly the sort of mindset that I want to work on challenging where appropriate, and I think working on that goes hand in hand with learning to fight my OCD. It’s part of creating a life that is rewarding and exciting that makes fighting OCD worthwhile. Starting this blog is one such example of something that I secretly wanted to do, but normally wouldn’t try. And I...