OCD Reflections

It's been an eventful few weeks.  I can hardly believe it, but I have been in my intensive treatment for almost a full month now and am about 2/3 of the way through the program.  Four hours a day, five days a week, I've been in treatment for OCD.  And I think I'm finally getting what I needed to propel me forward - a more aggressive, thorough, and persistent attack on my disorder, a sort of fight that I struggled to make with just one hour a week of therapy. Perhaps I'll write more in depth on the actual experience of being in the program later, but right now I have another topic on my mind:  what will I do when I am out?  My number one fear:  slipping, losing not only the gains I've made but the forward momentum I've collected.  What I hope to take away with me is not necessarily the ability to face any one specific fear, but rather the willingness and readiness to do what it takes to get better.  It's so much easier to do what needs to be done...

And so, the countdown begins...to next year's conference that is!  I had an amazing time at the 2011 IOCDF Annual Conference - heard a lot of inspiring stories and  learned even more about this disorder that I have personally found so debilitating yet so fascinating at the same time. I'm definitely in a post-trip funk right now.  I think the normal lows that can come when an anticipated vacation is finally over are exacerbated by the fact that, for a few days at least, I felt like I could be my complete, honest self.  No hiding my OCD.  No hiding my past.  No working around the truth of how and why I have gotten to where I currently am.  My life is about much more than just OCD, but for a couple days I didn't have to keep this part of my life a secret.  So it's a bit tough coming back into the "real" world, where you aren't surrounded by other OCD sufferers who know too well the toll this disorder can take and who aren't surprised or weirded ou...

A fierce wave of apathy and a new level of busyness in my life have led me away from blogging recently.  This lessening of interest creates additional anxiety on top of everything else:  why am I not so interested in writing anymore?  Am I losing my fascination with OCD?  Am I losing my identity as someone who has suffered and continues to suffer from OCD?  Is finding out that I have OCD no longer an intriguing life revelation and now just one thing more thing to deal with?  I hope not.  Of course, that's exactly why I start obsessing about it. As I mentioned in a previous post, so much has changed in my life recently.  I have a new apartment and a new roommate.  I also have a new job.  However, with the initial training period for that job now complete, I have drastically fewer hours, and the limited number of hours and my somewhat unpredictable schedule have me feeling less useful than I'd like to feel.  Lack of purpose breeds a...

Right now, life is so different.  New home, new rally to fight against OCD, new job.  It's that last one that has me tired and anxious today.  Today was my first day at a new job.  Granted, I'm still just doing training, but even so, it's not so much the job as the small unrelated challenges that come with it - things that I know others take for granted - that place strain on me.  I feel like there should be some sort of support network out there for people who have overcome or are overcoming severe OCD.  A support group for those who are re-entering "normal" life and bravely facing the exposures that come with it.  A place where those who are "in recovery" can guide and mentor those who are getting back on their feet.  In general, I wish there was more available in terms of rehabilitation, guidance and support for the challenges that OCD sufferers are likely to face as they re-integrate themselves into society.  I certainly feel like I cou...

It's been an interesting week.  I've been pretty busy and haven't had so much time to devote to blogging (or to think about blogging) as I usually do.  I start to feel "off" if I don't write as much - like I have something I want to say and am afraid I will forget if I don't write it down soon enough.  This is probably OCD in and of itself, but it's hard to know where the boundary lies between something you want to do and something you just feel you need to do because of OCD.  Writing probably falls a little bit into both categories. Anyways, one of the things I have been doing a lot since arriving at my parents' house is sorting through old papers - souvenirs, old school report cards, notes and cards from friends, etc. - that I had been stashing away for about a decade before I left for college.  Now every time I go home, there is a certain amount of de-hoarding to do.  This particular trip I happen to be tackling all the papers and documents I...

my favorite dysfunctional brain... I've been avoiding writing lately because I'm beginning to notice that it brings a sense of anxiety.  There's the idea that sparks the urge to write, followed by the desire to "perfectly" explain it all so that it feels "right" when I'm done, so that I feel "whole" and "complete" once I've finished spitting out all my thoughts.  Attempting to write a post with that goal in mind is starting to become more daunting than the idea of just holding all those thoughts in.  As often happens as my compulsions grow and take on a life of their own, I make myself perform them until the idea of DOING them finally becomes more onerous than the idea of NOT DOING them, at which point I just start avoiding whatever it is that I feel must be done in that compulsive way.  And I think that's what's begun to happen here.  I'm slowly starting to avoiding writing, even when I would like to, because I...

 Intense.  That describes some of my feelings right now as well as... my new treatment program . After a really bad week which surmounted in several long showers, far too much hand-washing, and a lot of frustration, I told my therapist that I felt like I couldn't keep going like this.  Something had to change.  I needed more help.  And what did he do?  He told me that if I wanted more help there were basically three options:  I could go to a residential treatment facility, I could enroll in an intensive outpatient program, or I could try something new - an intensive treatment regimen put together by him, his boss, and another therapist at my treatment center.  And I went with option number three.  It means several home visits every week and treatment in some form 6 days a week. In short, it sounds AMAZING. I am thrilled to have this opportunity.  Though it will initially take a toll on my wallet, it is worth it to have my life ba...

As many probably already know, the International OCD Foundation hosted an event tonight called " OCD Stories:  An evening of reflection, humor and education about OCD ," and anyone with an internet connection could watch from the comfort of their own home via the above link.  It all began at 7pm EST.  The night consisted of several speakers with each telling stories about their experiences with OCD.  Some were doctors or mental health professionals.  Others were sufferers themselves.  But each related their own examples of how OCD has affected their lives and the lives of those around them. I did in fact watch these stories, and plan on writing more about that later, but I wrote most of this post in advance, reflecting on how I felt about this upcoming event - what I was experiencing prior to watching.  That said, these were my thoughts and feelings about watching, and the ideas that followed from them: When I see or hear others' stories about OC...

Though I have been looking for part-time jobs and have some promising prospects, I am gradually becoming a little bit more nervous about my financial situation.  I have savings - gifts from relatives from over the years given for holidays and birthdays, extra savings here and there from summer jobs.  I was a relatively frugal kid/teen and my parents took care of paying for my food/clothing so I didn't need to spend a lot of money.  But now, well, I am paying for almost all my expenses, BUT I don't have a job! On the one hand I feel like I should consider myself lucky - I don't have student loans to worry about paying back like many of my friends.  Scholarships greatly reduced my college tuition and my parents could afford to pay the difference and were kind enough to do so.   But even though I don't have to worry about loans, it's hard watching my savings gradually disappear - mostly to rent and health insurance and the cost of therapy.  Rent is sort of ...

I'm not exactly sure why, but I've been feeling a bit sad now and then lately.  Nothing in particular causes it - in fact, things have been going fairly well, for the most part.  But sometimes my feelings slosh around freely - up and then down, down and then up - without any real rhyme or reason.  But I know if I get up and make myself busy, if I engage my mind in things I want to get done, my mood will lift. There was a time in my life when I couldn't depend on such things to bring my spirits up.  Though I wasn't diagnosed, I really believe that I suffered from depression as a child and then later, in early adolescence, as well.  I also suspect that the depression that set in was related to my then undiagnosed OCD.  At that time, I didn't have a name for the fears that swam around in my head, the irrational worries that made me feel sick to my stomach and very, very alone.  It was only when I felt like I just couldn't go on anymore that I would fina...

Today was a ROUGH day for me, as much as I can let myself admit that.  I overslept this morning and got to my therapy appointment late.  Normally I can deal with this because I am just so glad to be there getting help, even if my time is cut short by my tardiness (often a product of some sort of OCD business...).  But today, wow, I just shut down.  I just didn't know what to say. Normally I am overly loquacious when it comes to therapy appointments.  I always seem to have a million things that I want to say or ask for which there is never enough time.  So it must have been strange for my therapist indeed, when I just kind of sat there, looking down at my exposure log, listening but making limited eye contact and not saying much in response.  I was just so wrapped up in my frustration and anger at myself.  I just couldn't seem to pull myself out of it long enough to really think and engage in the conversation.  Meanwhile, it seemed like the ...

A lot has happened for me this week - a lot of change and growing momentum pushing me forward into recovery.  And of course there is a fair share of anxiety to go along with this process, and that anxiety doesn't arise solely from cutting back on the rituals that brought me comfort, either.  There is also secondary anxiety created by the time that suddenly seems to be laid out in front of me - time that was previously occupied by compulsions is slowly be re-released for other potential uses.   I am not used to feeling like I have excess time.  Even without a real job, OCD can be a full-time occupation.  Fighting OCD (or giving in to its demands) has literally been my all-day everyday job for many months now.  Just the necessities of daily life took up my time for almost a year.  If I had free time, there was always something else I could be doing, there was always another load of laundry, trash to take out, general cleaning to do.  Just keepin...

So one of the things my therapist has asked me to do between now and my next session is to write down the things that I have lost due to OCD, the things that I am currently missing out on, and things that I could lose in the future if I continue to feed, through my compulsive behavior, this feeling that I NEED my OCD.  Although I have always felt this way to a certain extent, I suppose this feeling that "I need the disorder to be me" has become one of the core reasons I now continue to engage in some compulsions, in addition to my original contamination fears and my version of moral scrupulosity with cleanliness.  My therapist warned me that this a dangerous path to go down - the idea of just resigning myself to OCD's demands because it is "my cross to bear" is a slippery slope that can easily lead to unnecessary loss.  With that in mind I thought I would begin contemplating the things that I have lost, continue to lose, or could lose in the future if I simply...

I have never been good at dealing with negative evaluation, partly because I am constantly measuring my own worth by comparing myself to others and what they think, and because I often feel the need to be the one of the "best" at whatever it is I tackle to feel that I am of value.  However, convincing myself that I am "good enough" by these standards is not only impossible, but exhausting, not to mention a recipe for constant dissatisfaction. This sort of perfectionism is an element of my OCD that I am trying to work on.  Not that I have been a perfectionist in much of anything lately.  On the flip side, because I am trying not to force perfection on so many things in my life, I have probably been engaging in a certain amount of avoidance instead, because, if I don't actually "try," well, then I can't feel like I have failed. So, instead of living in this all-or-nothing, either it's good enough or it's not, kind of world, I am trying to ...