Skip to main content

Ugh

It's amazing how fast things can go sour.  One minute I'm at least considering compliance with my homework and exposures, and the next, I have given up completely.  Annoyed and frustrated, feelings which I am starting to recognize as signs of my "anxiety," I rebel, furiously scorning any further attempt at cooperation with my therapist's recommendations.  I am angry.  Angry and frustrated.  So I metaphorically throw my hands up in the air and basically say, "Fine OCD!  Fine!  You win.  Are you happy now? Huh?  Are you happy now?!  I give in.  I'm done fighting for the day.  Congratulations.  Look! I'll give you everything you wanted and more."  And that's how I end up compulsively showering, washing my hands, re-washing clothes, or sleeping on the floor.  Push me a little too far and over the edge I go.  Tonight I'm already off the cliff.

My therapist would tell me to fight back.  To use that anger not against my self in compulsive OCD-fulfilling self-punishment, but against the OCD.  But somehow that doesn't seem to be how it works.  When I fight back, the anger at myself escalates even more until I can't take it anymore.  Giving in to the compulsions, the avoidance, brings down the anger and the lashing out at myself.  It calms me.  Even if it's just avoidance, it appeases the anger inside instead of feeding it even more.

I should fight back.  I know I should.  But I am just so done for the evening.  I don't like to make such explicitly negative posts.  I like to at least end on a somewhat positive note, an attempt to solve the problem at hand.  But tonight, I am just overwhelmed.  I am done.  I'll start fresh tomorrow.  OCD, I surrender, you win today.  Are you happy??
Labels:

Comments

  1. I Am Not My OCDSeptember 27, 2010 at 2:11 AM

    These posts are good. You are being real in these posts and facing the truth of what is going on in this process. You are identifying what motivates you, what triggers you, what overwhelms you and how you respond to it. Putting it down in print gives you power. Pretending it isn't happening while maintaining a positive front gives IT power. This is not a negative post. In fact, I think it is more positive than you realize. Progress doesn't feel good, the outcome does. Progress isn't always linear, either. And remember that the OCD mindset, these thoughts become confused as if they are your own. They come from a chemical imbalance, not your own thoughts. Your anger at yourself is misplaced because the OCD has made you believe that this anxiety comes from you, the person. It comes from OCD, the illness separate from you the person.

    Have you ever read a book called Brain Lock? It's awesome, and I totally recommend it. I just finished reading it and I am skimming through it again. Hang in there!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Fellow OCD SuffererSeptember 27, 2010 at 3:15 AM

    Thanks for the support!!! It's hard for me to be so negative because I often use this as a place to motivate myself to get past my roadblocks and to reflect on how to move forward. But I guess sometimes putting exactly what I am experiencing down in writing is also helpful!

    I haven't read Brain Lock but I have read a LOT of other OCD books, articles, websites, etc, and have definitely found them helpful. Despite all the reading I've done, I still struggle putting what I know into practice sometimes!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. ShanaSeptember 27, 2010 at 4:00 PM

    *Hugs* It's okay to have a rant once in a while. :)I've been where you are, and it totally sucks - but hang in there. At least every day isn't like this, right?

    ReplyDelete
  4. expwomanSeptember 28, 2010 at 12:23 PM

    There's a missing piece--the jump from fighting the OCD to fighting yourself--there's a lot folded into that. I've been there, where acting against my OCD stirs up all the old feelings of being defective, and OCD perfection was part of my strategy for not feeling worthless--I hope your therapist can unpack some of this with, this leap into anger at yourself.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Spreading the Word: OCD on the Air

I'm an avid listener of NPR and always enjoy their various shows and podcasts, and I was recently delighted when I stumbled upon not one, but two, radio segments dedicated to OCD - both what it is and how it is treated.  I have heard so many stories like my own, but I am still drawn to new accounts of others who have suffered.  Likewise, I appreciate it when professional reporters and story-tellers so aptly paint the picture of what it's like to experience OCD for the general public.  Because, while I live in a world where others know what OCD is, where others believe that most thoughts are just thoughts and have no hidden meaning about who or what we are, so many out there, including some therapists, still respond to OCD-type thoughts as meaningful in their own right and as potentially dangerous or harmful.  That mindset can be so heart-breakingly bewildering and detrimental to someone suffering from OCD.  I know it was for me.  The more awareness ca...
3 comments
Read more

Phone Jitters

Though I probably don't have enough of it to warrant a label, I think I do have some social anxiety.  It's gotten a lot better over the years - when I was a kid it was really so much worse.  Back then, I was often labeled "shy" or "quiet" and hated it because every time someone used one of those adjectives to describe me, it just seemed that much harder to overcome my difficulty of speaking up.  Those jolts of anxiety I got from voicing my opinion were intensified when I discovered that, despite my desire to be talkative and efforts to be outgoing, I was still perceived as being "quiet."   I had a hard time as it was being more vocal when not at ease, but when someone commented on how I was "shy," the self-consciousness would flare up even more, creating an even bigger hurdle to overcome when I wanted to express myself. Like I said, it's a lot better now.  I think through accidental exposure and repeated confrontation of social situ...
7 comments
Read more

"Post"-OCD Life

The title of this post, I am well aware, is very much a misnomer.  OCD is still a living, breathing part of my daily existence, and always will be, to a certain degree.  However, I'm starting to feel as though I've entered a new stage in my recovery, one where I have to figure out that troubling and very confusing question:  what now? For a solid three years my goal was to tackle my OCD.  Year one started with my life falling apart shortly after I graduated from college.  School had always been my life and provided a certain amount of structure and sense of purpose.  As I started my first year of work post-college the following fall, everything seemed to fall apart as one compulsion lead to another until I was having a hard time making it through just a single day at work.  This was followed by the search for help.  I was lucky in that I relatively quickly stumbled upon the name for my disorder and found an excellent treatment provider, one w...
6 comments
Read more