Intense

 Intense.  That describes some of my feelings right now as well as...

my new treatment program.

After a really bad week which surmounted in several long showers, far too much hand-washing, and a lot of frustration, I told my therapist that I felt like I couldn't keep going like this.  Something had to change.  I needed more help.  And what did he do?  He told me that if I wanted more help there were basically three options:  I could go to a residential treatment facility, I could enroll in an intensive outpatient program, or I could try something new - an intensive treatment regimen put together by him, his boss, and another therapist at my treatment center.  And I went with option number three.  It means several home visits every week and treatment in some form 6 days a week.

In short, it sounds AMAZING.

I am thrilled to have this opportunity.  Though it will initially take a toll on my wallet, it is worth it to have my life back.  I want this, and I'm ready.  I am going to try to be more compliant, work harder, and sit with more discomfort, because, with this new system in place, I only have to go 24 hours on my own.  I can do this knowing that the next day, no matter what, someone will be there to help me out and encourage me to keep going, to move forward to regain my freedom despite whatever doubts I'm experiencing.

There are things I didn't see myself doing again for quite a while - cooking, baking, cleaning, swimming, working out, working full-time, hiking, traveling, dating - in short, enjoying my life fully.  Now it seems like with this plan, I may get all of those things back sooner than I thought possible.  I am both incredibly excited and slightly terrified.  Living life like a "normal" person seems like such a foreign concept at this point, but I am looking forward to the uncertainty of the challenges ahead.  And I have a feeling there will be many, but I will have my life back.

I am so excited, but I can't tell you how nervous it makes me, too.  I've gone through a range of emotions since making the decision, but I know I'm not going to change my mind.  Simply put, it's time to face the uncertainty, which includes whether or not going with this program is the "right" choice.  I'm doing what seems to make the most sense with the knowledge I currently have.  That's the best I can do.

I'll try to chronicle my experience during this process here - not sure exactly how this is going to go or how I'm going to be feeling, but I would like to share some of the trials and triumphs of this process.

Despite I'll the anticipatory anxiety, I'm fastening my seat belt and getting read to dive right in...