Sometimes I'd Rather Hide

Yes, sometimes I'd rather hide. Hiding is easier. Absorbing myself in the world of OCD ritual is easier. Solely focusing on one singular aspect of my life and devoting all my attention to it is easier. Avoidance is easier. Easier. Easier. Easier.

But boring. I suppose.

So for the past 24 hours I have really avoided doing anything other than eat, sleep (on my bay window sill...because, well, I feel too "dirty" to sleep in my bed), and sit in front of my computer searching for something to hold my interest and fulfill the void of doing nothing while procrastinating life. Yes, life.

And the reason for aforementioned procrastination? Answer: The dread that comes with the need to shower.

I have not slept in my bed. I have not gone out (other than to buy more shower products - I came home from my trip to discover that my bottles of soap and shampoo and the like had fallen off their rack...or at least I am assuming this because the rack had been moved and my shower products set along the side of the shower...so I felt the need to buy more because it's been a long week and for some reason I just didn't feel like fighting myself on this one...the bottles felt "contaminated" so I went and bought more...oh my...). In fact, I even wanted to go out (go figure!) and had the opportunity to go out, and yet the dread of showering, the avoidance, overcame the desire to get out, have a good time, and possibly drink a couple beers.

So yeah. No bueno :(. Not going out because you feel like you need to shower, and not showering because you have been avoiding it for so long that it has taken on monstrous proportions, does not equal a fun and exciting Saturday night. Not that I mind that so much. It could be any night of the week for all I care. But tonight I did want to get out of the house, and my refusal to challenge my OCD kept me from it. That's what I care about. I care about getting stuck, putting off things like showering, and not getting the things I would like to get done actually done because of my avoidance.

I'm so much better, but there's still lots of room for improvement! The realization of all that I could do if I did challenge OCD is real incentive to keep moving forward. There's a reason to work hard because there is so much I would like to do!

Update: After 48 hours of shower procrastination I finally did it! I'm clean at last :).

Spreading the Word: OCD on the Air

I'm an avid listener of NPR and always enjoy their various shows and podcasts, and I was recently delighted when I stumbled upon not one, but two, radio segments dedicated to OCD - both what it is and how it is treated. I have heard so many stories like my own, but I am still drawn to new accounts of others who have suffered. Likewise, I appreciate it when professional reporters and story-tellers so aptly paint the picture of what it's like to experience OCD for the general public. Because, while I live in a world where others know what OCD is, where others believe that most thoughts are just thoughts and have no hidden meaning about who or what we are, so many out there, including some therapists, still respond to OCD-type thoughts as meaningful in their own right and as potentially dangerous or harmful. That mindset can be so heart-breakingly bewildering and detrimental to someone suffering from OCD. I know it was for me. The more awareness ca...

Phone Jitters

Though I probably don't have enough of it to warrant a label, I think I do have some social anxiety. It's gotten a lot better over the years - when I was a kid it was really so much worse. Back then, I was often labeled "shy" or "quiet" and hated it because every time someone used one of those adjectives to describe me, it just seemed that much harder to overcome my difficulty of speaking up. Those jolts of anxiety I got from voicing my opinion were intensified when I discovered that, despite my desire to be talkative and efforts to be outgoing, I was still perceived as being "quiet." I had a hard time as it was being more vocal when not at ease, but when someone commented on how I was "shy," the self-consciousness would flare up even more, creating an even bigger hurdle to overcome when I wanted to express myself. Like I said, it's a lot better now. I think through accidental exposure and repeated confrontation of social situ...

A Return

It's been A LONG time. In fact, so long that I'm just relieved to see that so many of the wonderful bloggers that were out there before are still around. I'm grateful to be able to come back to this world and know that it is still here. My life has drifted away from focusing so much on my OCD (which is good) but I have also drifted away from actively fighting it on a daily basis (which is not so good). In fact, I've found it's easy to forget how much I'm letting things slip when I am not checking in with a therapist as frequently and when my life is so full of other things. I've been working up a storm, but in-between, when I'm at home and on the weekends, the problems persist. I've just gotten really good at working around them. I want to return to this world, though, and to keep fighting and sharing my stories along the way. This place has been an invaluable outlet in the past - a forum to relate, share, learn, and feel "normal" ...

OCD Reflections

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