OCD Reflections

This is really the last thing I need to be doing right now. But I am tired, and anxious, and need to take a moment to pause and regroup as much as my nerves say, "No, no! You can't sit still! Too much left to do! Too much left to do!" And it does seem there is too much to do; there's so much I want to get done before showering (because I feel like I have to shower even though I know it's compulsive) and go to bed (and I would opt for not sleeping in my bed so that I wouldn't feel the need to shower, except, this is the last night in my apartment...I want to sleep in my bed one last time and "remember what it was like"). It's OCD on top of OCD on top of OCD. I am pushing the boundaries where I feel I can, but this whole moving process is wearing on me in ways I know are irrational. I am frustrated with my roommate for leaving "dirty" things behind...cleaning sponges and brushes, bottles of cleaning chemicals, a dirty fridge that ne...

I survived! (So far.) I am working on moving out of my apartment into a new room, in a new house, shared with new people and one good friend. While I am looking forward to the change of environment and a chance at a fresh start, in many ways it is also a struggle. I am basically taking a wrecking ball to the one place I consider "safe" and "clean" (well, at least parts of it), dismantling it limb from limb, stuffing it in "dirty" boxes and putting it in my "dirty" car, only to reassemble it all in a room that doesn't feel "clean." On top of that my safety net is being taken out from under me as well. I rely upon washing my hands and showering to restore the feeling of cleanliness that is so easily lost. What if these rituals no longer provide the same comfort in this new place? What if I am forced to drastically cut down my compulsions at a rate that I am not comfortable with to hide the symptoms of my OCD ? What if the showe...

There are often those moments where I have a choice - to do what's comfortable and reassuring or to do what I know needs to be done to get better. I feel dirty, but then, that's emotional reasoning. I know better than to obey based on that feeling alone. Nevertheless, I can feel myself being drawn towards the wrong decision, the decision to give in and do the thing that will make me feel safe, comfortable, and refreshingly clean. I also feel bad for being so easily lured into the OCD trap, especially when it seems like I don't experience that much anxiety and because I have the ability to sit here and calmly analyze my options. If I am this calm and rational, why am I still leaning towards making the non-therapeutic decision? In fact, this is something I have had difficulty with since my relapse close to a year ago now. I have had different "types" of OCD throughout out my life and a myriad of different compulsions designed to alleviate the d...

I'm not sure I would call this an exposure, but just as when I actually commit to doing a new exposure further up on my hierarchy, beginning to write publicly (yet anonymously) about my experience with OCD is initially difficult. Reflecting about the ins and outs of my disorder and its treatment is certainly not new to me, but whereas my usual audience, my therapist, is one very familiar and understanding individual, the audience here (if there is one) is unknown. Nevertheless, by starting this blog, I am hoping to accomplish two very tangible things, among many others. First, I am trying to be more courageous in pursuing those things that I want rather sticking to the safer alternative or what I feel I should do . Pursuing the latter has often been the status quo for me, but I think (and hope) that part of recovering is trying to construct a life that is both productive and enjoyable so that I look forward to getting better and am more motivated to do the dif...