Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Anxious

This is really the last thing I need to be doing right now. But I am tired, and anxious, and need to take a moment to pause and regroup as much as my nerves say, "No, no! You can't sit still! Too much left to do! Too much left to do!" And it does seem there is too much to do; there's so much I want to get done before showering (because I feel like I have to shower even though I know it's compulsive) and go to bed (and I would opt for not sleeping in my bed so that I wouldn't feel the need to shower, except, this is the last night in my apartment...I want to sleep in my bed one last time and "remember what it was like"). It's OCD on top of OCD on top of OCD.

I am pushing the boundaries where I feel I can, but this whole moving process is wearing on me in ways I know are irrational. I am frustrated with my roommate for leaving "dirty" things behind...cleaning sponges and brushes, bottles of cleaning chemicals, a dirty fridge that needs to be wiped out - things of that general nature. For a "normal" person this probably wouldn't seem that bad, but for me, disposing of these lovely items seems to require an intricate plot, a complicated dance...if I touch this...then I can't touch that...then I have to wash my hands before I can touch something else...and then I must wash again...and on and on and on. It is exhausting just thinking about it.

On top of that I am sliding backwards in controlling the time and extent of my hand-washing. Just a couple weeks ago, I had gotten to the point where my hand-washing, while still too frequent, was not such a burden because I had faith that I could stop. Now it is getting longer again. And as it gets longer, each time I feel that I must live up to the length of the previous hand-washing episode or it's not enough. I know this is all OCD nonsense, but still, it's how I feel. Normally I would challenge these ideas a bit more and fight back. But having to face so many things I fear all at once has worn me down. I have largely become the puppet of my OCD's whims. So I try to just take it a moment at a time, not worrying about what is left to do or how I have to do it. I do as much as I can to limit OCD while I am doing things, not forcing myself to figure out whether I am going to give in or not beforehand. Instead I am trying to just do what comes to mind without waiting for myself to figure out the "right" way to do it or to garner the "right" motivation to do it without compulsion.

That's it. No fancy ideas or thoughtful reflections. Just me trying to use the tools I have to propel myself forward!

2 comments:

  1. Your first paragraph so sounds like a page out of my journal! I totally understand where you're coming from.
    Good luck with finishing up the move. I know it's hard - Sending good karma your way!

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  2. Thank you! Some sleep definitely helped! :)

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