OCD Reflections

Though I probably don't have enough of it to warrant a label, I think I do have some social anxiety.  It's gotten a lot better over the years - when I was a kid it was really so much worse.  Back then, I was often labeled "shy" or "quiet" and hated it because every time someone used one of those adjectives to describe me, it just seemed that much harder to overcome my difficulty of speaking up.  Those jolts of anxiety I got from voicing my opinion were intensified when I discovered that, despite my desire to be talkative and efforts to be outgoing, I was still perceived as being "quiet."   I had a hard time as it was being more vocal when not at ease, but when someone commented on how I was "shy," the self-consciousness would flare up even more, creating an even bigger hurdle to overcome when I wanted to express myself. Like I said, it's a lot better now.  I think through accidental exposure and repeated confrontation of social situ...

Sometimes I think I have a hard time seeing just how much OCD I have and have always had.  Today I was reading an article from my Winter 2011 IOCDF newsletter.  There was a personal account from a parent whose son had suddenly starting exhibiting OCD symptoms after apparently acquiring a strep infection (I still find the whole concept of PANDAS intriguing - in college, I did a fairly in depth project on a related neurological issue also caused by strep, Sydenham's chorea).  Anyways, when she mentions the things her son suddenly "convinced" himself he had to do, like twirl past his sister's room to prevent something bad from happening, the degree to which OCD has been part of my life for YEARS, since I was also a kid, becomes more apparent. I'm caught off guard by accounts like this one, thinking, "Wait!  But doesn't everyone do that?"  My day is probably filled with all sorts of these little compulsions that hardly even register anymore because I ...

My trip has only just begun and already exposures are presenting themselves.  I used a public bathroom at the airport because I DO NOT want to have to use the bathroom on the plane.  A public restroom v. plane bathroom.  It’s like choosing the lesser of two evils.  Neither is preferable at all, but this is what I “trained” for.  And I’m glad I did – using a public restroom was less of a hassle because I practiced being less compulsive when using public restrooms earlier this week with my therapist.  Pair this with the fact that I have done other restroom exposures without actually using the restrooms, and even though I may not be super duper excited about using them, I can at least get by.  I don’t have to sit for hours on end worrying that I will have to pee before I get to my destination. But my mind is still reeling from this exposure all the same.  At least my version of reeling.  As usual, I’m terrible at identifying and labeling my an...

This guy's fooled many a fruit loop-bearing hiker or cheetoh-offering friend into thinking he's a chipmunk...but we know the truth tiny rodent...someone forgot their face stripes and WE know that he's just another squirrel like the rest of them.  Now get your paws off my shoe!!   And while you're at it, go wash your paws before eating anymore food begged off unwitting strangers!  What an audacious (and filthy) little fraud...I bet he didn't wash after using the restroom either ;). This morning I woke up after a particularly long night of sleep only to be greeted by my good old friend, more commonly known as the "fear of not really having OCD and somehow faking out the world as well as my self..."  Umm, yeah. The exposures for this sort of fear, as I have mentioned before, are the same as my usual exposures - do my homework successfully, because, if I can do my OCD homework successfully, then I must be a "fraud," right?  I mean, if I ca...

It's amazing how fast things can go sour.  One minute I'm at least considering compliance with my homework and exposures, and the next, I have given up completely.  Annoyed and frustrated, feelings which I am starting to recognize as signs of my "anxiety," I rebel, furiously scorning any further attempt at cooperation with my therapist's recommendations.  I am angry.  Angry and frustrated.  So I metaphorically throw my hands up in the air and basically say, "Fine OCD!  Fine!  You win.  Are you happy now? Huh?  Are you happy now?!  I give in.  I'm done fighting for the day.  Congratulations.  Look! I'll give you everything you wanted and more."  And that's how I end up compulsively showering, washing my hands, re-washing clothes, or sleeping on the floor.  Push me a little too far and over the edge I go.  Tonight I'm already off the cliff. My therapist would tell me to fight back.  To use that anger no...

  "If you're going through hell, keep going." Someone in one of my support groups mentioned this saying recently in reference to OCD.  I get the point (or at least I think I do) - if you are resisting a compulsion and experiencing the anxiety that it causes, keep going.  Face it, and don't try to undo it if you want to come out on the other side.  To engage in compulsions is to head back and ultimately detain yourself in OCD hell.  Trying to escape may seem like the best thing to do in the moment, but pressing onward through the anxiety is ultimately the better option. I've heard this saying used in this way before, and I have issues with it, along with the idea that learning to deal with OCD is learning to "better tolerate feeling shitty" because its an inevitable part of life and you can't escape feeling discomfort.  Maybe it's because I still struggle with this, but I really, really don't like this point of view (and it is a point of v...

Over the past several days that I've been out of town, I've missed writing here and having the chance to read and respond to others' posts.  It actually makes me a little anxious being away, which is why I have been half trying to keep myself away intentionally and half avoiding it unintentionally because I don't want to write something incomplete.  I don't want to begin putting my thoughts down if I might have to stop before those thoughts have been captured accurately.  And, I have been avoiding reading and commenting on others' blogs because I have difficulty looking at just a few if I can't read them all.  I am always too anxious and eager to read more.  So, for the most part, I have been avoiding it altogether. Nevertheless, I think this has been good for me.  I still have a couple days more of my trip and separating myself from this site and the internet in general is probably a healthy change of pace.  Getting out of my head, out of my usual r...

I often have a hard time knowing what to do because I sometimes feel like I am forcing myself, or even choosing, to perpetuate my OCD through the performance of rituals.  I get confused and go around in circles in my head, wondering if, unlike everyone else out there with OCD, I should be held more responsible for my symptoms and am less deserving of help because I might actually be "making myself" have the disorder.  However, trying to figure this question out is next to impossible, and I suspect that needing an answer is really just another compulsion - feeling like I need to know the answer to this before I can engage fully in treatment is just another OCD trap. On the flip side, I often have a hard time with myself because I feel like I should be performing more rituals and doing them better.  Instead of feeling bad for choosing to do compulsions, as described above, I feel bad for not choosing to do them, as well.  After all that I have learned about OCD, ...

There are times I occasionally realize that I have been carrying around a lot of shame and/or guilt about my OCD, but I often come to this realization not when I am actually feeling these feelings, but when I discover they are no longer there in a particular setting or situation. Twice today I had that surprising experience.  The first was at the pharmacy.  I was there getting a new prescription filled (that is another long OCD-filled story) and I was advised to do a "consult" with one of the pharmacists on staff because I haven't taken this particular medication before.  During these kind of consults they usually just give me a quick run down on whatever my new drug is - potential side effects, what to do, what not to do, etc.  Well, today I actually had questions about my new addition, and it was as I was asking these questions that I realized I felt far more at peace than I usually do just being in the pharmacy and in particular when talking to the pharmacist....

There are often those moments where I have a choice - to do what's comfortable and reassuring or to do what I know needs to be done to get better. I feel dirty, but then, that's emotional reasoning. I know better than to obey based on that feeling alone. Nevertheless, I can feel myself being drawn towards the wrong decision, the decision to give in and do the thing that will make me feel safe, comfortable, and refreshingly clean. I also feel bad for being so easily lured into the OCD trap, especially when it seems like I don't experience that much anxiety and because I have the ability to sit here and calmly analyze my options. If I am this calm and rational, why am I still leaning towards making the non-therapeutic decision? In fact, this is something I have had difficulty with since my relapse close to a year ago now. I have had different "types" of OCD throughout out my life and a myriad of different compulsions designed to alleviate the d...