OCD Reflections

 Intense.  That describes some of my feelings right now as well as... my new treatment program . After a really bad week which surmounted in several long showers, far too much hand-washing, and a lot of frustration, I told my therapist that I felt like I couldn't keep going like this.  Something had to change.  I needed more help.  And what did he do?  He told me that if I wanted more help there were basically three options:  I could go to a residential treatment facility, I could enroll in an intensive outpatient program, or I could try something new - an intensive treatment regimen put together by him, his boss, and another therapist at my treatment center.  And I went with option number three.  It means several home visits every week and treatment in some form 6 days a week. In short, it sounds AMAZING. I am thrilled to have this opportunity.  Though it will initially take a toll on my wallet, it is worth it to have my life ba...

This has been a rough weekend.  As much as I usually like to keep the day to day ups and downs of my progress to myself, it's been a rough couple of days filled with tough situations and some bad decisions. Earlier tonight I just laid down on the floor and cried.  I didn't know what else to do.  I felt too dirty to lay anywhere else, so onto the floor I went, which sealed my fate - at that point I was "contaminated" in my mind, beyond all repair.  I would have to shower.  Again. But at that point I just didn't feel like I had the strength left in me to face showering.  To do anything.  Paralyzed in my "dirty" state I just laid there and cried as quietly as I could, hoping none of my housemates could hear.  I couldn't get up.  I couldn't sit anywhere else.  I couldn't touch anything.  The only place to go from there was to wash my hands and then shower.  And yet it just seemed too difficult.  Too dirty touch anything....

I was excited to come across this article on childhood mental health on Time magazine's website, an article that does a good job describing sexual orientation OCD, how it all too often begins at a young age, and how it can affect the sufferer over the years.  The reason I was so excited and surprised to see this type of OCD mentioned and intelligently explained was that, all too often, OCD is portrayed in a fairly one-dimensional manner by the media.  We hear all about the stereotypical washing and checking compulsions, while other forms often get ignored.  OCD can latch onto almost anything that we deem important in our lives, and the corresponding compulsions are equally infinite. As more types of OCD are given attention, perhaps more people will understand that OCD is not really about being a germophobe or being afraid of setting the house on fire.  It's about uncertainty and the strong desire to eliminate it; that's what unites all sufferers with the disorde...

This guy's fooled many a fruit loop-bearing hiker or cheetoh-offering friend into thinking he's a chipmunk...but we know the truth tiny rodent...someone forgot their face stripes and WE know that he's just another squirrel like the rest of them.  Now get your paws off my shoe!!   And while you're at it, go wash your paws before eating anymore food begged off unwitting strangers!  What an audacious (and filthy) little fraud...I bet he didn't wash after using the restroom either ;). This morning I woke up after a particularly long night of sleep only to be greeted by my good old friend, more commonly known as the "fear of not really having OCD and somehow faking out the world as well as my self..."  Umm, yeah. The exposures for this sort of fear, as I have mentioned before, are the same as my usual exposures - do my homework successfully, because, if I can do my OCD homework successfully, then I must be a "fraud," right?  I mean, if I ca...

As many probably already know, the International OCD Foundation hosted an event tonight called " OCD Stories:  An evening of reflection, humor and education about OCD ," and anyone with an internet connection could watch from the comfort of their own home via the above link.  It all began at 7pm EST.  The night consisted of several speakers with each telling stories about their experiences with OCD.  Some were doctors or mental health professionals.  Others were sufferers themselves.  But each related their own examples of how OCD has affected their lives and the lives of those around them. I did in fact watch these stories, and plan on writing more about that later, but I wrote most of this post in advance, reflecting on how I felt about this upcoming event - what I was experiencing prior to watching.  That said, these were my thoughts and feelings about watching, and the ideas that followed from them: When I see or hear others' stories about OC...

There are weeks where I really just feel like I am moving forward for the sole sake of moving forward.  Step by step, inch by inch.  This is one of those weeks.  I am finding that even the simplest of things are starting to feel like monumental tasks again - brushing my teeth, making my bed, washing my face, getting dressed.  Even writing here, which is usually quite enjoyable, seems somewhat like a task I must goad myself into doing. I think a lot of it has to do with the ups and downs of progress in fighting my OCD.  As I get better there are periods where I really challenge the thoughts I have and the urge to perform compulsions.  I feel free and alive.  The shackles seem temporarily removed.  And then I get used to that level of freedom.  It is no longer exciting, and those chains that still remain seem like an even heavier burden to bear.  What suddenly seemed easier with less weight to carry, starts to seem harder again.  T...

Though I have been looking for part-time jobs and have some promising prospects, I am gradually becoming a little bit more nervous about my financial situation.  I have savings - gifts from relatives from over the years given for holidays and birthdays, extra savings here and there from summer jobs.  I was a relatively frugal kid/teen and my parents took care of paying for my food/clothing so I didn't need to spend a lot of money.  But now, well, I am paying for almost all my expenses, BUT I don't have a job! On the one hand I feel like I should consider myself lucky - I don't have student loans to worry about paying back like many of my friends.  Scholarships greatly reduced my college tuition and my parents could afford to pay the difference and were kind enough to do so.   But even though I don't have to worry about loans, it's hard watching my savings gradually disappear - mostly to rent and health insurance and the cost of therapy.  Rent is sort of ...

Some days I feel like I have somehow managed to bury myself by means of excessive avoidance and procrastination.  When I don't have things I HAVE TO do or HAVE TO be at, it is hard for me to find the will to do the things I dread - to shower, brush my teeth, clean, etc.  Even when there are places I had planned to go or things I had planned to do, there are times when the consequences of missing those things still isn't motivating enough for me to face the dread they stir up.  And so my life is put on hold, tasks accumulate, and time slips by as I sleep the day away or search my computer, numbly looking for something to entertain me, something to fill the time until I muster the courage to go face what I'm avoiding.   I seem to go through cycles.  First there is the dread that arises when I either actually need to do something or when OCD says I need to do something.  Usually it goes something like, "I can't do x until I have taken care of z ."...

So, I've been meaning to do this for a while, but never managed to actually put it together.  Just like I enjoy reading others' blogs and learning about their experiences with OCD, I am also somewhat addicted to learning as much as I can about the disorder in general - I love reading about some of the latest news and findings on OCD, and have also read several books on the disorder and related topics. In college, I studied neuroscience, and though in the short time since I graduated I have forgotten much of what I learned, I am still fascinated by the brain and its functioning - both on the biological level, as well as on the more behavioral side of things.  Add OCD to the mix, and I get abnormally excited when reading about some of the latest research and clinical studies on the disorder.  Of course, I like reading about OCD because it has a strong element of personal significance, but when I find that things I learned in school help me understand what we do know about...