Skip to main content

Intense


 Intense.  That describes some of my feelings right now as well as...

my new treatment program.

After a really bad week which surmounted in several long showers, far too much hand-washing, and a lot of frustration, I told my therapist that I felt like I couldn't keep going like this.  Something had to change.  I needed more help.  And what did he do?  He told me that if I wanted more help there were basically three options:  I could go to a residential treatment facility, I could enroll in an intensive outpatient program, or I could try something new - an intensive treatment regimen put together by him, his boss, and another therapist at my treatment center.  And I went with option number three.  It means several home visits every week and treatment in some form 6 days a week.

In short, it sounds AMAZING.

I am thrilled to have this opportunity.  Though it will initially take a toll on my wallet, it is worth it to have my life back.  I want this, and I'm ready.  I am going to try to be more compliant, work harder, and sit with more discomfort, because, with this new system in place, I only have to go 24 hours on my own.  I can do this knowing that the next day, no matter what, someone will be there to help me out and encourage me to keep going, to move forward to regain my freedom despite whatever doubts I'm experiencing.

There are things I didn't see myself doing again for quite a while - cooking, baking, cleaning, swimming, working out, working full-time, hiking, traveling, dating - in short, enjoying my life fully.  Now it seems like with this plan, I may get all of those things back sooner than I thought possible.  I am both incredibly excited and slightly terrified.  Living life like a "normal" person seems like such a foreign concept at this point, but I am looking forward to the uncertainty of the challenges ahead.  And I have a feeling there will be many, but I will have my life back.

I am so excited, but I can't tell you how nervous it makes me, too.  I've gone through a range of emotions since making the decision, but I know I'm not going to change my mind.  Simply put, it's time to face the uncertainty, which includes whether or not going with this program is the "right" choice.  I'm doing what seems to make the most sense with the knowledge I currently have.  That's the best I can do.

I'll try to chronicle my experience during this process here - not sure exactly how this is going to go or how I'm going to be feeling, but I would like to share some of the trials and triumphs of this process.

Despite I'll the anticipatory anxiety, I'm fastening my seat belt and getting read to dive right in...

Comments

  1. I can't wait to hear about it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sheesh - my earlier comment didn't post for some reason. Congratulations on having such courage! I hope you continue to post and receive support from your fellow ocd bloggers!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Exciting! I hope this works well for you!

    ReplyDelete
  4. WOW. REALLY looking forward to hearing about this!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thanks for all the support!! We'll see how it goes...at this point I'm just ready for all the anticipatory anxiety/unwanted thoughts to be over...or rather...replaced by another kind! :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. I am glad you chose to ask for more help--that is taking care of yourself, a skill which I've found desperately hard, but which has propelled me to get help, and to do exposures. Ill be thinking of you!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

New Variations on an Old Theme

It's been a long while since I have posted here. Years, in fact. This is typically where I turn when I am thinking a lot about my OCD and want an outlet for expressing my thoughts on my experience with the disorder. The current demands on my time make it a bit tricky to find much space for myself, much less to write about OCD, so even when I have found myself yearning to write, like now, I often turn to other tasks that seem more pressing. However, circumstances have brought OCD back into my life in a very real way, and I thought that posting some of my thoughts and experiences here, when I do make the time, might be helpful. I have a fascination with this disorder, both as someone who has suffered with it since childhood and as someone interested in it from an academic perspective. So, when increased stress and a lot of major life changes brought OCD back into my life in full force, I experienced that process with both horror and fascination. I have been amazed at how OCD can hi

Interesting OCD (and Related) News

So, I've been meaning to do this for a while, but never managed to actually put it together.  Just like I enjoy reading others' blogs and learning about their experiences with OCD, I am also somewhat addicted to learning as much as I can about the disorder in general - I love reading about some of the latest news and findings on OCD, and have also read several books on the disorder and related topics. In college, I studied neuroscience, and though in the short time since I graduated I have forgotten much of what I learned, I am still fascinated by the brain and its functioning - both on the biological level, as well as on the more behavioral side of things.  Add OCD to the mix, and I get abnormally excited when reading about some of the latest research and clinical studies on the disorder.  Of course, I like reading about OCD because it has a strong element of personal significance, but when I find that things I learned in school help me understand what we do know about the b

"Post"-OCD Life

The title of this post, I am well aware, is very much a misnomer.  OCD is still a living, breathing part of my daily existence, and always will be, to a certain degree.  However, I'm starting to feel as though I've entered a new stage in my recovery, one where I have to figure out that troubling and very confusing question:  what now? For a solid three years my goal was to tackle my OCD.  Year one started with my life falling apart shortly after I graduated from college.  School had always been my life and provided a certain amount of structure and sense of purpose.  As I started my first year of work post-college the following fall, everything seemed to fall apart as one compulsion lead to another until I was having a hard time making it through just a single day at work.  This was followed by the search for help.  I was lucky in that I relatively quickly stumbled upon the name for my disorder and found an excellent treatment provider, one who was ready to help me fight b