Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Sometimes (like now), I find myself disproportionately angry with the world. At times like this I feel like society, our culture, has set me up for disappointment. I feel like I have been taught, indeed instilled with, certain beliefs that are later turned on their heads. I feel lied to. I feel betrayed. I'm angry. And then I have to watch and bear witness as others merrily go about their day, unaffected by these things that society promotes, blissfully unaware of any sort of duplicity that others might see and experience. Or, if they are aware of the incongruent messages and actions of society as a whole, they remain somehow unfazed by the anomalies and can proceed with their lives unruffled by the discordance.
The particular subject of my anger today is a bit too personal for me to describe here. (Yes, I know it is anonymous, but still, I already have a hard enough time talking about this particular thing with my therapists. Putting it in writing for the world to see is a bit much for me at this point.) However, I recognize that I am overly bitter. I try to give things a chance. I try to be mindful of my tendencies to catastrophize, and I try to let my thoughts and feelings come and go freely. But somehow things still seem to lead to disappointment, which in turn ramps up my anger with the world for making it seem so easy, so natural, to be happy with this particular thing. I have been brought up to believe that things are supposed to intrinsically be a certain way, and yet for me, that never seems to be true. So I am angry. I am disappointed. I am frustrated. Did I mention angry???
I realize that this post is probably hard to understand without giving more information about the particular subject I'm referring to. But it's the best I can do right now. I need an outlet for my frustration at this moment, and this seems like best option.
I feel broken, imprisoned, and betrayed by society AND my body. Hopefully it won't always be that way.