It's amazing how fast things can go sour. One minute I'm at least considering compliance with my homework and exposures, and the next, I have given up completely. Annoyed and frustrated, feelings which I am starting to recognize as signs of my "anxiety," I rebel, furiously scorning any further attempt at cooperation with my therapist's recommendations. I am angry. Angry and frustrated. So I metaphorically throw my hands up in the air and basically say, "Fine OCD! Fine! You win. Are you happy now? Huh? Are you happy now?! I give in. I'm done fighting for the day. Congratulations. Look! I'll give you everything you wanted and more." And that's how I end up compulsively showering, washing my hands, re-washing clothes, or sleeping on the floor. Push me a little too far and over the edge I go. Tonight I'm already off the cliff.
My therapist would tell me to fight back. To use that anger not against my self in compulsive OCD-fulfilling self-punishment, but against the OCD. But somehow that doesn't seem to be how it works. When I fight back, the anger at myself escalates even more until I can't take it anymore. Giving in to the compulsions, the avoidance, brings down the anger and the lashing out at myself. It calms me. Even if it's just avoidance, it appeases the anger inside instead of feeding it even more.
I should fight back. I know I should. But I am just so done for the evening. I don't like to make such explicitly negative posts. I like to at least end on a somewhat positive note, an attempt to solve the problem at hand. But tonight, I am just overwhelmed. I am done. I'll start fresh tomorrow. OCD, I surrender, you win today. Are you happy??