Sunday, September 26, 2010

Ugh

It's amazing how fast things can go sour.  One minute I'm at least considering compliance with my homework and exposures, and the next, I have given up completely.  Annoyed and frustrated, feelings which I am starting to recognize as signs of my "anxiety," I rebel, furiously scorning any further attempt at cooperation with my therapist's recommendations.  I am angry.  Angry and frustrated.  So I metaphorically throw my hands up in the air and basically say, "Fine OCD!  Fine!  You win.  Are you happy now? Huh?  Are you happy now?!  I give in.  I'm done fighting for the day.  Congratulations.  Look! I'll give you everything you wanted and more."  And that's how I end up compulsively showering, washing my hands, re-washing clothes, or sleeping on the floor.  Push me a little too far and over the edge I go.  Tonight I'm already off the cliff.

My therapist would tell me to fight back.  To use that anger not against my self in compulsive OCD-fulfilling self-punishment, but against the OCD.  But somehow that doesn't seem to be how it works.  When I fight back, the anger at myself escalates even more until I can't take it anymore.  Giving in to the compulsions, the avoidance, brings down the anger and the lashing out at myself.  It calms me.  Even if it's just avoidance, it appeases the anger inside instead of feeding it even more.

I should fight back.  I know I should.  But I am just so done for the evening.  I don't like to make such explicitly negative posts.  I like to at least end on a somewhat positive note, an attempt to solve the problem at hand.  But tonight, I am just overwhelmed.  I am done.  I'll start fresh tomorrow.  OCD, I surrender, you win today.  Are you happy??

4 comments:

  1. These posts are good. You are being real in these posts and facing the truth of what is going on in this process. You are identifying what motivates you, what triggers you, what overwhelms you and how you respond to it. Putting it down in print gives you power. Pretending it isn't happening while maintaining a positive front gives IT power. This is not a negative post. In fact, I think it is more positive than you realize. Progress doesn't feel good, the outcome does. Progress isn't always linear, either. And remember that the OCD mindset, these thoughts become confused as if they are your own. They come from a chemical imbalance, not your own thoughts. Your anger at yourself is misplaced because the OCD has made you believe that this anxiety comes from you, the person. It comes from OCD, the illness separate from you the person.

    Have you ever read a book called Brain Lock? It's awesome, and I totally recommend it. I just finished reading it and I am skimming through it again. Hang in there!!

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  2. Thanks for the support!!! It's hard for me to be so negative because I often use this as a place to motivate myself to get past my roadblocks and to reflect on how to move forward. But I guess sometimes putting exactly what I am experiencing down in writing is also helpful!

    I haven't read Brain Lock but I have read a LOT of other OCD books, articles, websites, etc, and have definitely found them helpful. Despite all the reading I've done, I still struggle putting what I know into practice sometimes!!

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  3. *Hugs* It's okay to have a rant once in a while. :)I've been where you are, and it totally sucks - but hang in there. At least every day isn't like this, right?

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  4. There's a missing piece--the jump from fighting the OCD to fighting yourself--there's a lot folded into that. I've been there, where acting against my OCD stirs up all the old feelings of being defective, and OCD perfection was part of my strategy for not feeling worthless--I hope your therapist can unpack some of this with, this leap into anger at yourself.

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