Saturday, August 28, 2010

Sometimes I'd Rather Hide

Yes, sometimes I'd rather hide.  Hiding is easier.  Absorbing myself in the world of OCD ritual is easier.  Solely focusing on one singular aspect of my life and devoting all my attention to it is easier.  Avoidance is easier.  Easier.  Easier.  Easier.

But boring.  I suppose.

So for the past 24 hours I have really avoided doing anything other than eat, sleep (on my bay window sill...because, well, I feel too "dirty" to sleep in my bed), and sit in front of my computer searching for something to hold my interest and fulfill the void of doing nothing while procrastinating life.  Yes, life.

And the reason for aforementioned procrastination? Answer:  The dread that comes with the need to shower.

I have not slept in my bed.  I have not gone out (other than to buy more shower products - I came home from my trip to discover that my bottles of soap and shampoo and the like had fallen off their rack...or at least I am assuming this because the rack had been moved and my shower products set along the side of the shower...so I felt the need to buy more because it's been a long week and for some reason I just didn't feel like fighting myself on this one...the bottles felt "contaminated" so I went and bought more...oh my...).  In fact, I even wanted to go out (go figure!) and had the opportunity to go out, and yet the dread of showering, the avoidance, overcame the desire to get out, have a good time, and possibly drink a couple beers.

So yeah.  No bueno :(.  Not going out because you feel like you need to shower, and not showering because you have been avoiding it for so long that it has taken on monstrous proportions, does not equal a fun and exciting Saturday night.  Not that I mind that so much.  It could be any night of the week for all I care.  But tonight I did want to get out of the house, and my refusal to challenge my OCD kept me from it.  That's what I care about.  I care about getting stuck, putting off things like showering, and not getting the things I would like to get done actually done because of my avoidance.

I'm so much better, but there's still lots of room for improvement!   The realization of all that I could do if I did challenge OCD is real incentive to keep moving forward.  There's a reason to work hard because there is so much I would like to do!

Update:  After 48 hours of shower procrastination I finally did it!  I'm clean at last :).

3 comments:

  1. Hey, I totally get where you're coming from. No fun. Here's wishing you some motivation to face the OCD. It seems like an off weekend for OCD bloggers. Maybe it's just that we have more time to ruminate over the weekends...?

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  2. Yes, indeed...more time to ruminate definitely leads to more time spent on OCD. Thanks for the support! I finally showered! Woo! :) It's funny how such a small things can seem like accomplishments when they are the target of obsessions and compulsions.

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  3. Woo hoo! It's only a small thing if you don't have OCD--so yay for showering!

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