Friday, September 3, 2010
OCD Purgatory: Neither Here nor There but Caught Hanging In-Between
I am lethargic today, both mentally and physically, and I don't know why. Well, maybe I do know why. It comes from procrastinating the things I don't want to do - like showering. And the longer I procrastinate, the dirtier and more stifled I feel. Everything seems less satisfying with the thing I am procrastinating looming on the day's to do list. And on top of that, I have OCD labeling me as "dirty" until I do, even if I only really need to shower for OCD reasons in the first place. It's like waking up and lounging around in your pajamas all day. You never feel like you have "gotten up" and started your day until you have gotten dressed. At least I never do. It's now evening and while I have been productive, I still feel like there were other things I wanted to accomplish but "couldn't," at least by OCD rules, until I took my compulsive shower. Oh OCD...
So there are two things I could do to remedy this situation:
A) I could just go shower instead of putting it off longer and longer, because really, it's unlikely to get any easier the longer I put it off - usually it gets harder and I start to dread it more and more the longer I wait, actually; or
B) if I really wanted to give my OCD a nice blow, I could say, "Forget it! I'm not going to shower just because I spent time at a house with dogs last night!"
...because that is, in fact, the reason I feel I "need" to shower. I went and hung out with a friend who has dogs, dogs that I played with, and then I spent the night at her "contaminated" house because it would have been a long drive home and I wouldn't have gotten back until late at night. Also, I knew if I came home I would feel the need to shower before sleeping in my bed. And if I was too tired to shower, which seemed quite likely, I would probably end up sleeping on my bay window seat...which is not very comfortable...because I would feel too "contaminated" to sleep in my bed.
Does my bed actually need to stay "clean?" Rationally, no, it doesn't. I know that...a bed is a bed and is meant to be slept in. But that's OCD for you...I just feel like my world would fall apart if I did sleep in it when "dirty." It would be throwing my carefully constructed OCD rules down the drain, and that frightens me. Of course, I know the world wouldn't end if I slept in my bed when "contaminated." But that sort of logic and reasoning doesn't make it any easier to do. Though I'm sure that there will be some point in treatment where I am forced to contaminate my bed and sleep in my bed when I am "dirty" on a regular basis, I am still unwilling at this point...ugh.
So I am currently wading around in OCD purgatory - I can go in either direction but until I gather the determination to overcome my fear of doing one or the other, I am stuck and will be sleeping on a window sill for the night...
I wanted to write more, but I am feeling tired and worn by the nagging desire to do SOMETHING other than wait. Perhaps I will try to summon the courage to shower, because I don't think I will be summoning the courage to blatantly disregard my OCD and just sleep in my bed "dirty" any time soon. I did blatantly shatter the rules in a different way yesterday - but that's a story for another day.
So off I go to muster my courage...or find some other temporary distraction while I continue the procrastination. Oh OCD, why do I let you play these unfair games when I know exactly how to beat you? Oh OCD...