Thursday, May 19, 2011
Stiff Upper Lip?
I've been at war with myself inside lately. Half of me wants to give in, to let myself breakdown and complain about the difficulties I am currently struggling with. The other half of me whispers, "You are choosing this. You are choosing to be unhappy. You know how to make things better. You just won't. So you can't complain." I never know at what point I can justifiably be stressed. It's like I spend so much time trying to be strong and just keep going because I don't want to be that person who portrays every slight struggle as a disastrous life setback. So at what point am I allowed to give myself a reprieve? At what point am I allowed to believe that what I am going through is difficult? At what point am I allowed to believe that maybe, just maybe, I'm actually fighting really hard? It's just so difficult for me to see or believe. I always feel like I could be trying harder, doing better. I constantly feel like I am CHOOSING to be this way. To have OCD. To go into a state of apathy and numbness like the one I am in right now. And I don't know if it's because the OCD will always say that I could do more, that I could try harder, or if I really could be and should be doing more and trying harder.