OCD Reflections

I have never been good at dealing with negative evaluation, partly because I am constantly measuring my own worth by comparing myself to others and what they think, and because I often feel the need to be the one of the "best" at whatever it is I tackle to feel that I am of value.  However, convincing myself that I am "good enough" by these standards is not only impossible, but exhausting, not to mention a recipe for constant dissatisfaction. This sort of perfectionism is an element of my OCD that I am trying to work on.  Not that I have been a perfectionist in much of anything lately.  On the flip side, because I am trying not to force perfection on so many things in my life, I have probably been engaging in a certain amount of avoidance instead, because, if I don't actually "try," well, then I can't feel like I have failed. So, instead of living in this all-or-nothing, either it's good enough or it's not, kind of world, I am trying to ...

Having recently heard and read about others' experiences with having OCD as a child, I wanted to write a bit more about my own experiences growing up with the disorder. I have wanted to share these experiences for a while now, especially because these stories from my childhood are the ones that I have talked about the least, since my therapy and exposure work focuses largely on my current symptoms. But as I have alluded to before, I have had experience with different types of fears - different obsessions and different compulsions to accompany them. Some of these fears lasted for only a short while. Others gained momentum, took over my life, and then gradually faded away over the years. And then there are still others whose tyrannical legacy lives on to this day - obsessions and compulsions that are not my primary problem right now, but which wait in the background to be tackled as I overcome my most recent OCD issues. As I begin to write, I am realizing that I feel a lot of ...

So, does it ever end? I believe the answer is a resounding no. Let me elaborate. This morning I woke up and dragged myself to the shower like a good hygienic human being only to discover: no hot water. This is fine. I really don't mind. I can wait for the hot water to work again...I didn't want to shower anyway, and now well, I have an excuse to procrastinate it. But I would like to shower at some point today! The "real" problem stems from the fact that I did laundry last night (Or perhaps the real "real" problem stems from the fact that I have OCD and want too much certainty about certain things...). So the question that arises is: did we still have hot water when I was washing my clothes? I have become the clothes-shrinking queen since my descent into obsessive contamination concerns. I wash everything on hot!! And sometimes, when doing laundry, I will begin to doubt if I really did use hot water, and will check repeatedly that the ...

Today I'm having one of those moments where I feel incredibly presumptuous - presumptuous to believe that I have had a rough time with OCD and even more presumptuous to believe that I ever had an eating disorder. So this is off topic, since this is supposed to be a blog about OCD, but I was reading about EDs today and began to doubt whether I really had a diagnosable case of an eating disorder when I was younger. I mean, I definitely had disordered eating, but I got over it fairly quickly, and though I always believed that I had anorexia nervosa, I'm not sure if I was ever technically diagnosed. I've been told that people who are anorexic usually have to fight for years to overcome their problem and many never fully recover. I recovered fairly quickly, meaning that I gained the weight back, even if my eating habits didn't really get back to normal for a few years. But I didn't receive extensive treatment. It didn't take endless cajoling to get me to coope...

I was hoping to gain insight, information, and inspiration from the International OCD Foundation's annual conference, and I think I certainly did just that.  However, the most inspiration probably came from a source that was altogether unexpected:  a newly found friend, an ally, a companion in the fight against OCD. I will leave her unnamed for the sake of her anonymity as well as my own, but let's just say she seems like my OCD soulmate.  What a terrible and at the same time wonderful thing to share!  Terrible in that we both have suffered at the hands of this disorder, but wonderful in that we have each found someone who seems to intuitively understand the daily struggles of our common fears.  Never before have I felt that I could relate so completely to someone else with OCD.  I am sure that I would also have a strong connection with many of you whose blogs I read here, but this was the first time I had spoken, in person, with someone whose contaminati...

Procrastination. It's what I'm doing right here, right now, at this very moment. I struggle getting myself moving forward when I know, before anything else, I need to shower. I have always had a hard time forcing myself to shower, but now that showers have taken on OCD proportions it is even more difficult to get myself up and into that little tiled chamber of torture. It's not even that bad anymore. But I still hate it. I still dread it. And I'd honestly rather sit here and write about how I don't want to shower than just get up and do it. I've learned through treatment one thing that works in this sort of situation, OCD or not - even if I can't seem to summon the motivation to commit myself to the whole event of showering, even if I can't seem to possibly fathom pulling off the act, I can commit to the initial steps. I can get ready to shower. I can turn the water on, set aside my towel, and the rest will inevitably follow. That way, even if t...

I have to say that the annual conference presented by the International OCD Foundation was an amazing experience, and in ways that I didn't necessarily anticipate. It's definitely a bit surreal to go from seeing OCD as this secret and hidden part of life to having it be the focus of an entire conference. I love learning about OCD and this event was definitely the Mecca of OCD information. There were of course the the experts - the therapists, the doctors, the researchers - but there were also a whole community of OCD sufferers past and present who had their own wealth of knowledge to share. Being able to openly affirm my fascination with and interest in OCD simply by being present there, and to be with other people equally interested in the disorder and its treatment, was exhilarating for me in and of itself. I'm sure I'll write more about the experience later...but tonight... I have renewed motivation to fight back and get better, and I hope that I keep this motiv...

So my well planned, well thought out trip to DC for the International OCD Foundation's Annual Conference didn't start off quite as expected. Let me just start by saying that I can't wait to attend the conference. I'm a nerd, and I find learning about OCD fascinating. From the time I first heard about this annual event, I was intrigued, but I never imagined I'd be going. I tend not to do things like this - things that I secretly would like to do, but am either not brave enough to go for or that I tell myself are too impractical so I shouldn't bother - maybe someday when the time is right. But that is exactly the sort of mindset that I want to work on challenging where appropriate, and I think working on that goes hand in hand with learning to fight my OCD. It’s part of creating a life that is rewarding and exciting that makes fighting OCD worthwhile. Starting this blog is one such example of something that I secretly wanted to do, but normally wouldn’t try. And I...

So clearly my original plan to report back daily on my success or lack thereof in adhering to my exposure guidelines has not gone so well so far. Let's just say there's not much to report... I had an unusually long period of exposure in visiting a friend this weekend, and though I stuck it out reasonably well while I was visiting her, when I came home I immediately tossed all the clothes I had worn at her place in the laundry hamper and took a 50 minute shower not long after. It's the usual few steps forward on one front and a few steps (or perhaps several) back on another. I feel like it's like trying to over-stuff a box or a suitcase. You shove everything in on one side only to realize things have managed to pop out on the other. I chip away at my fears and habits in one way, but end up giving in somewhere else. Nevertheless, I don't think the work that I did this weekend while away was all for naught. I did several things that I always avoid (playing with a ...

It's hard for me to put into reasonable perspective what has happened in my life over the last year. It doesn't seem shocking or abnormal or strange anymore...I mean, I have lived day to day with the changes that have occurred over the last several months. It's like watching something grow...if you are watching it all the time it is hard to notice the changes, but if you only see the growth at extended intervals, the change can be quite shocking. In reading one blog in particular, I have come to realize that this disorder, and particular the effect that it has had on my life, is serious, and not something that I necessarily just have to push away and ignore. Not that I want to do that, in fact, I'm terribly afraid of doing just that. But it is very easy for me to shove away the changes in my life as insignificant or nothing compared to what others go through - to think that my struggles are nothing. That my disorder and the effect it has had on my life aren't th...

Ugh, ugh, ugh. I have things to do today and have already spent a significant amount of time on my computer this morning, so I will try to make this quick. I probably shouldn't even be writing this...I should probably just be sitting with the bothersome feeling of anger and the need to express my opinion about it...since that seems to be my weakness...just sitting with and accepting discomfort. But here I go...but I am giving myself a time limit! Perhaps it is because I feel that I would have been in the same position, or perhaps it is because I often question whether I am actually trying hard enough in treatment, but the attitude taken towards Kristen's behavior on this episode was extremely frustrating for me. I disagreed with so much that was said and so much that was suggested about her. I have talked to my therapist about this notion that sometimes what someone with OCD needs is a good dose of "tough love." Sometimes I feel like if someone would just yell ...

My thoughts are somewhat scattered at the moment. I feel like there are so many things I could write about, and my thoughts flit from one topic to the next. Half of me wants to write about recent exposures of the past two days and the other half of me wants to write about something more abstract...we'll see where I end up. I have been thinking about my weight more lately so perhaps I'll go with that. Like OCD, I could write volumes on my experience with weight control, my acute decline into anorexia (8 years ago now!), and what happened after my fairly abrupt "recovery." It is another one of those mental health issues that I have never gotten to talk about much, one of the elephants in the room from my past that I rarely acknowledge outside of the mental health world. And when I do, I often work daintily around the subject, sort of obtusely hinting at what was actually going on without saying it outright. One thing that occurred as I spiraled down into severe con...

So, I actually did do better yesterday. Every time I was tempted to cheat (and even when I gave in), I thought about this blog and how I would have the chance to report my success or would have to fess up my cheating. Yesterday's scorecard: Hand-washing: I sincerely made an effort to try to stop AT 60 seconds. Not 75, not 65, not 61, but 60. As for the other parameters, I sometimes followed the rules and sometimes didn't, as the situation suited me - which is not really how ERP is supposed to work. I should be committing to the rules regardless of the situation, because there will always be a time that OCD says, "Hey! This time is different! You can't follow the rules now!" But those are precisely the times when I should be the most vigilant in enforcing the rules. If I merely do exposure when it seems okay, but readily violate the rules when there is any doubt in my mind as to whether it is "okay" to do the exposure, I am undermining the very pu...

It's been a week since I moved into my new home, and it's looking more and more like I might stick around for more than just a month. That said, it has also been a week since I saw my therapist for the first time after the move, which was when we devised my new improved rules/exposures system. And while I am slowly chipping away at my OCD as a whole, I am a reluctant and all too often non-compliant participant in my own homework assignments which I agreed to. Usually I prefer to utilize this space as a place where I can record and share all the random thoughts and musings I have about OCD, thoughts that I really can't share anywhere else (except in therapy...but, uh, there's not enough time in therapy for all the things I wish I could say). This is a great outlet for those things I can't discuss anywhere or with anyone else. There are still many, many aspects of my experiences with OCD that I would love to write about, observations and random reflections, but pe...

It seems like the default state of my mind is often that others are right until proven wrong, and that I am wrong until proven right. I hate arguing about things that are important to me because it becomes very difficult for me to internally support my opinion or my view of a situation. I want to see something one way, but as soon as someone starts pointing out all the holes in my argument or view, I cave internally, agreeing that they have a point. Their version becomes right and mine becomes wrong. It's not until someone else points out the flaws in the other person's point of view, as well, that I begin to see that their stance may be just as fallible, or more fallible, than my own. But until that third party steps in, I have a hard time standing up for my point of view internally or even distancing myself enough to recognize that what that other person says is their opinion and not necessarily fact. Of course, this is not true across the board. There are...

I realize that I have already written far too many times today, but I have also been productive in other ways, so I suppose I will allow myself excess in this area (as long as I move on to a few other things I need to do after this). So I was reading a blog about eating disorders. When in high school I had my own stint of excessive dieting and exercise that eventually landed me at my doctor's office and then in therapy...the latter of which I considered pretty useless. Now had that therapist recognized my co-existing OCD , she probably would have been of much greater help. I know eating disorders and OCD are considered separate disorders, but I feel like the way I went about my anorexic behaviors was very OCD in nature, and simply encouraging me to return to normal eating habits did nothing to address the debilitating perfectionism in other aspects of my life. One of the triggers for eating disorder behaviors that this blogger mentioned caught my attention as I could relate to...

Normally I like watching the OCD project, not because I like to watch people suffer, but because it is comforting to see people doing such hard exposures and succeeding. It is also nice to see others that I can relate to, people who struggle with things I have struggled with or still do. Today I realized that watching this show is starting to cause me some amount of anxiety. I look at the participants' reactions and think, maybe I don't know what that is like anymore. What if I can no longer sympathize? What if I never really had OCD? I am doing so much better, even in just the last couple days. The ease with which I have transitioned and started to change my ways frightens me. I feel like there should be a giant wave of anxiety that I have to overcome. This seems too easy. What if I forget how it felt to have that much fear of irrational things? What if I never really had it as bad as they did and was just acting like I had really bad OCD, when actually, I could have ...

I can feel my motivation to get things done flagging, but for once, not in terms of my exposures. That part, I am happy to say, is going quite well! I am doing things that I stubbornly resisted doing for so long, and sometimes I do them without second thought. However, the real challenge is then resisting the urge to go back through my actions, step by step, touch by touch, to trace the mental history of all that I have come into contact with and the order in which I touched things. When I do this sort of mental retracing, it is because I have an urge to know whether I have "cross-contaminated" things or violated my rules about what can be touched and when, even if I plan on doing nothing about it if I have. It is just comforting to know, I guess, what things might be "dirty" by my standards, just in case I really feel that something needs to be done. I feel somewhat careless and untethered when I don't do this, but those feelings are quite tolerable compa...

One all- nighter and two very sore feet later, I have completed my move!! I have a new home - at least for the time being. Along with this new home comes a revision of my exposures. A new more compact, to the point plan that challenges me but is still within my reach. I hope to improve my rate of compliance and push my reluctant self forward into the unknown of recovery. It may sound strange but one of my biggest fears is success in treatment! Who will I be? What will I become? Though, at its worst, my relapse incapacitated me to say the least, I fear getting better. Why? I'm not exactly sure, but I think that it has to do in part with the happiness that discovering I have OCD has brought me. This may also seem paradoxical, but learning that I have this disorder has been a true source of relief. I have struggled to fight my most recent spate of contamination concerns, but on the other hand, learning about OCD has allowed me to eliminate many other compulsions I was con...