Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Procrastination...


Procrastination. It's what I'm doing right here, right now, at this very moment. I struggle getting myself moving forward when I know, before anything else, I need to shower.

I have always had a hard time forcing myself to shower, but now that showers have taken on OCD proportions it is even more difficult to get myself up and into that little tiled chamber of torture. It's not even that bad anymore. But I still hate it. I still dread it. And I'd honestly rather sit here and write about how I don't want to shower than just get up and do it.

I've learned through treatment one thing that works in this sort of situation, OCD or not - even if I can't seem to summon the motivation to commit myself to the whole event of showering, even if I can't seem to possibly fathom pulling off the act, I can commit to the initial steps. I can get ready to shower. I can turn the water on, set aside my towel, and the rest will inevitably follow. That way, even if the whole task still seems daunting, I get myself to do it anyway by taking the smallest steps forward, which leads, well, to more small steps forward. But soon enough, I have tricked myself into showering and there's no turning back. It's initiating the first small step that is the biggest challenge.

I dread showering. I am not sure if this is an OCD thing or not. I suspect a lot of people don't like showering, but perhaps the degree to which I am averse to it is a product of my OCD and my recent experiences with the disorder. My showering habits are certainly not within 'normal' range yet, I don't think, but they have gotten much closer and far less burdensome. Even so, I still dread them, and I feel like I have no excuse for this failure.

6 comments:

  1. It's not a failure! It's just something you still get to work on. :) The only way you fail is if you give up. Telling myself I've failed always leads me to depression.....I think that's a byproduct of my OCD. So I don't tell myself I've failed. lol

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  2. You're right. I was reading this entry again later and thought...wow, failure's kind of a strong word!

    Thanks for your encouragement! I'm definitely continuing to work on this!

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  3. I hear you on the failure thoughts--my mind frames everything as potential failure and general inadequacy as a human being--but I am learning to change this. I dread taking showers as well--it's hard to articulate why, just a sense of fearing it takes too much time(even though I take 10 minute showers), or I'm taking it at the wrong time. Yay for doing all the initial steps--when I avoid those, then I'm really in trouble.

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  4. I dread showering, too. I don't take super long showers, but they are very ritualistic. I have pre-shower rituals, shower rituals and post-shower rituals. I hate it. I love how I feel immediately preceding a shower, though. That's when I'm at my calmest (until I step out of the shower and back into contamination, that is).

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  5. Procrastination... yeah. I've been putting off my schoolwork because I want it to be PERFECT and it won't be. So thanks for your reminder of taking little steps - I opened the program to do my writing in (a very little step, but one none-the-less).

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  6. Abigail - I certainly know what it is like to seek perfection in schoolwork to the point where it becomes a detriment rather than an asset. Good for you for taking the first step, even if it is small! I wish I had known about OCD and how to address the problems it causes when I was in school. I definitely went through a lot of unnecessary stress trying to do things "perfectly." I hope that when I do go back to school one day that I will have a different experience with the tools to fight OCD at my side.

    Good luck with your studies!

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