Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Procrastination. It's what I'm doing right here, right now, at this very moment. I struggle getting myself moving forward when I know, before anything else, I need to shower.
I have always had a hard time forcing myself to shower, but now that showers have taken on OCD proportions it is even more difficult to get myself up and into that little tiled chamber of torture. It's not even that bad anymore. But I still hate it. I still dread it. And I'd honestly rather sit here and write about how I don't want to shower than just get up and do it.
I've learned through treatment one thing that works in this sort of situation, OCD or not - even if I can't seem to summon the motivation to commit myself to the whole event of showering, even if I can't seem to possibly fathom pulling off the act, I can commit to the initial steps. I can get ready to shower. I can turn the water on, set aside my towel, and the rest will inevitably follow. That way, even if the whole task still seems daunting, I get myself to do it anyway by taking the smallest steps forward, which leads, well, to more small steps forward. But soon enough, I have tricked myself into showering and there's no turning back. It's initiating the first small step that is the biggest challenge.
I dread showering. I am not sure if this is an OCD thing or not. I suspect a lot of people don't like showering, but perhaps the degree to which I am averse to it is a product of my OCD and my recent experiences with the disorder. My showering habits are certainly not within 'normal' range yet, I don't think, but they have gotten much closer and far less burdensome. Even so, I still dread them, and I feel like I have no excuse for this failure.