Skip to main content

Conundrum

This morning, I woke up not knowing how to proceed.  I was overwhelmed by the feeling of being "off," of not knowing exactly how I had violated all my rules and how to compulsively solve them.  Normally my solution to this problem is to mentally and physically wipe the slate clean by taking a shower and washing whatever I am wearing.  In my mind, showering washes away whatever OCD transgressions I committed so that I don't have to sit there in vain, trying to remember each an every one.  I can let go if I can just shower, and condemn whatever I am wearing to the dirty laundry.  It's my mental restart button, and it seems to reset my life and my ability to discern what is clean v. dirty.

Once I am myself "clean" it is easier to think clearly and start fresh.  I feel like the world has been returned to its "right" state at that point.  I feel like "myself" once I have performed these compulsions and I feel "clean enough" to go about fixing the other problems I see around me, instead of making them worse by potentially "contaminating" them in my possibly "unclean" state. 

But I am not supposed to shower until my home session later today.  And during that shower I will most certainly not be permitted to shower "correctly" or in a way that would set me feeling "right."  And that's fine.  I can deal.  I just have to remember that I am not trying to recreate the world I was living in before.  I'm not trying to constantly pull myself back into that "safe" life by making things feel okay through compulsions.  Instead I'm waiting for the feeling of chaos to settle so that I can get past this, resisting solving my "problems" the compulsive way in the meantime.  My world will return to feeling "right" on its own if I let it.  I just have to wait it out. 

Like I said, the goal of all this is not to cling to and preserve my world as it was before.  The point is to move beyond that world, that life, and realize that things will eventually feel alright again without compulsively returning them to the OCD-defined "correct" state.  I was determined to jump in with both feet and not look back once this process began.  This is my chance to do just that.  The exposure has been done.  Now it's time for some thorough response prevention.  OCD is yelling at me to turn around and run back the other way, but this time I decided that once I got started, there was no turning back.  This is my chance to set myself free, and I'm determined to take it.

Labels:

Comments

  1. LeahNovember 2, 2010 at 8:13 PM

    Getting past this can make you free to not need to constantly revert to that "clean" state that used to feel so "free" but was really just a prison. Our mind tells us some horrible lies, doesn't it?

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnnNovember 3, 2010 at 12:53 PM

    Yes, it's hard, isn't it. But you're doing it! So that's amazing and inspirational, and all that good stuff.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Spreading the Word: OCD on the Air

I'm an avid listener of NPR and always enjoy their various shows and podcasts, and I was recently delighted when I stumbled upon not one, but two, radio segments dedicated to OCD - both what it is and how it is treated.  I have heard so many stories like my own, but I am still drawn to new accounts of others who have suffered.  Likewise, I appreciate it when professional reporters and story-tellers so aptly paint the picture of what it's like to experience OCD for the general public.  Because, while I live in a world where others know what OCD is, where others believe that most thoughts are just thoughts and have no hidden meaning about who or what we are, so many out there, including some therapists, still respond to OCD-type thoughts as meaningful in their own right and as potentially dangerous or harmful.  That mindset can be so heart-breakingly bewildering and detrimental to someone suffering from OCD.  I know it was for me.  The more awareness ca...
3 comments
Read more

Phone Jitters

Though I probably don't have enough of it to warrant a label, I think I do have some social anxiety.  It's gotten a lot better over the years - when I was a kid it was really so much worse.  Back then, I was often labeled "shy" or "quiet" and hated it because every time someone used one of those adjectives to describe me, it just seemed that much harder to overcome my difficulty of speaking up.  Those jolts of anxiety I got from voicing my opinion were intensified when I discovered that, despite my desire to be talkative and efforts to be outgoing, I was still perceived as being "quiet."   I had a hard time as it was being more vocal when not at ease, but when someone commented on how I was "shy," the self-consciousness would flare up even more, creating an even bigger hurdle to overcome when I wanted to express myself. Like I said, it's a lot better now.  I think through accidental exposure and repeated confrontation of social situ...
7 comments
Read more

A Return

It's been A LONG time.  In fact, so long that I'm just relieved to see that so many of the wonderful bloggers that were out there before are still around.  I'm grateful to be able to come back to this world and know that it is still here. My life has drifted away from focusing so much on my OCD (which is good) but I have also drifted away from actively fighting it on a daily basis (which is not so good).  In fact, I've found it's easy to forget how much I'm letting things slip when I am not checking in with a therapist as frequently and when my life is so full of other things.  I've been working up a storm, but in-between, when I'm at home and on the weekends, the problems persist.  I've just gotten really good at working around them.  I want to return to this world, though, and to keep fighting and sharing my stories along the way.  This place has been an invaluable outlet in the past - a forum to relate, share, learn, and feel "normal" ...
7 comments
Read more